The Birth of the Calvary
by GlutenFreeWaffles
Summary: Melinda May was never afraid of falling. She wasn't afraid of how much it would hurt or how hard it would be to get back up. Bahrain was one fall May was not prepared for, nor was she prepared for the struggle afterwards. This story is about her struggle after Bahrain. Will include some Avengers. Possible Philinda slowburn. Clintasha (forget he has a family no one knew about)hints.
1. Bahrain

I was never the kid who had unrealistic expectations when it came to Christmas or surprises of any kind. My mother never pretended like there was a tooth fairy, she never told me there was a Santa Claus, and there certainly wasn't a furry rodent hopping about our house on Easter morning. No, I've never really been an unrealistic person. I'm a realist, I've grown to accept that about me. Going into SHIELD I knew that I wouldn't be able to chase down every bad guy. I knew that I wouldn't always win. But I never suspected that I would be faced with this big of a choice.

I stared at the girl in front of me. She was walking closer, her hand outstretched. What was I supposed to do in this situation? How did anyone expect me to shoot a little innocent girl? I knew I wasn't necessarily abundant in the warm fuzzies but I didn't know how anyone could be this cold. Staring at the little girl I thought to myself, what would Andrew tell me to do? He would probably tell me to think it through and then try to talk to the small girl.

"You don't have to do this," I told the small girl. She looked me in the eyes. I couldn't help but shiver, there was no light in that girl's eyes, they were completely black. It was frightening how little emotion showed in those dark holes. But there was something inside of the darkness, something I could barely make out. It was fear. As horrible as it was that this small child was killing grown men left and right I could see that on the inside she was just as scared as I was.

"Just put your hand down," I continued to talk to her. Propping myself into a sitting position. "You will be safe... Just stop hurting everyone. They've done nothing to you. They're good people, they have families to return to," I pleaded with those deep eyes. But there was no change the girl didn't stop walking, nor did she lower her hand. I reached behind me in search of some kind of weapon. Even if she was a little girl I wasn't about to let her kill our entire tactical team. My fingers close around the cool handle of a gun. I shivered, those were extreme measures, I didn't want it to come to that. I knew the choice I would have to make.

"I like their pain," Katya smiled as she waved her arm and the first SHIELD agent fell to the ground. I knew what she had to do... I tightened my grasp on the gun.  
"Everything's going to be okay," I told her, then in one swift motion I sent two slugs into the small girl's fragile body. She fell limp and I caught her body. I watched as the life drained from her face.  
There was a moment when I didn't quite know the name to the feeling I was experiencing. Then that moment ended and the weight of the world came crashing down.

I had just killed a small child. Oh my God, what was wrong with me? Why did I do that? I heard running footsteps, I heard Coulson's voice, but I couldn't make out the words he was saying. I just sat there holding Katya wondering what could possibly be so screwed up within me.

"It's okay," I heard Phil say. I didn't move, I couldn't move. What would I do if I moved? I had no clue, so I continued to stare at the wall in front of me. I didn't need to move, there was nothing I wanted or needed to do.

Somehow, Phil got me outside, the next minute I was crying. I didn't know how or why, but I just kept crying. I heard someone whisper "the Calvary" they were calling me that. They were considering me the hero because I shot a small girl. A girl with a future. But, did anyone know that it was me that shot the girl? Or did they just assume she had died in the crossfire?

"It's not your fault. You did everything you could. You got those men out... Melinda, you saved them," Phil was trying to console my sobs as I continued to cry.

We were soon back on the plane. I knew what came now... debrief. I didn't want to live through that moment again. I didn't want to even think anymore, but that was my job. I knew what I had to do.


	2. Pain is Temporary

Debrief. An painstakingly slow process in which every aspect of the mission is reviewed by your commanding officer. Normally it would be someone else, but today Phil did my debrief. We sat in an office, secluded from the rest of the team as he asked me what happened in the house.

"It got in using the east second floor window. I then disabled the guards one by one. I made it to the stairs. There were multiples, so I took them down- I knocked out two killed the other one. I made into the room where the hostages were being kept," I said all of this completely emotionlessly. "The team seemed to be under the influence of the powers of the woman. I confronted her to get her to release the control over the men.

"She told me she enjoyed their pain and that she now wanted my pain. She came at me with the chandelier. I fought back, some of the men she was controlling came to help her. I ended up getting shot in the leg. I found a pole, the pole was broken in the struggle and I ended up stabbing the Unsub with the pole. She died soon there after. I thought that her death would snap our team out of their hallucination. But instead I then realized the unsub's daughter Katya was controlling the men. She was coming at me, she was shot by one of her own followers aiming at me."

I didn't like the lie, but I wasn't about to confess that I shot a girl no older than ten. Hating myself every second of the lie I continued to tell Phil what had happened. He nodded and at the end told me that it wasn't my fault and that everything would be fine.

Once the debrief was officially over I left the office. The plane was beginning it's descent. I sighed, I had to go home to Andrew now. He was a good man who wanted kids, but I was some heartless monster who had shot a child. How would he ever forgive me? Would he ever forgive me? Could I ever forgive me?

The loading bay opened slowly after we had landed. Phil walked up next to me.

"Do you want to go out for a drink? I'm sure you could use one after a mission like that," He asked me, he meant it to be nice. But, I wasn't really in the mood for talking or being around people. I wanted to go home and sleep.

"Maybe next time Phil," I said, grabbed my bag and walked out of the plane. I was in my car and halfway home by the time that I decided I needed to blow off some steam. So, I turned my car and drove towards the gym instead. My right knee had a brace on it, so there was a slight twinge every time I landed on that leg. I did a simple warm up. Then I ran three miles and did some tae chi. I went back onto the treadmill to run some more.

The gym door opened and in walked Maria Hill, one of my better friends. She didn't look like she was there to workout. She was donning a tight fitting purple dress that hugged her curves with that she wore a pair of black heels. She walked over to the treadmill next to me.

"Why are you here Maria?" I asked through gritted teeth, the pain in my leg was growing more intense.

"Andrew called me, apparently Phil had stopped by the house to see how you were doing. Andrew thought maybe you had come over to my house," Maria explained. "May, are you alright?"

"I' m fine," I hissed. Then sped up my pace, working through the searing pain in my leg.

"Coulson mentioned that you have a GSW to your right leg. How are you still walking on it?" Maria looked at my leg pointedly. "Most people would be high on morphine and confined to a hospital bed."

"Not me, it was a flesh wound," I told her trying to ignore the pain. I had to stop running, but I didn't want to give Maria the satisfaction of being right.

"Still, you must be in a hella lot of pain. I mean you're running on a leg that had a piece of lead rip through it just twelve hours ago," Maria sounded genuinely concerned. "Do you want to talk about what happened out there? About the little girl."

"No," I told her. I reached out to press the off button on the treadmill but I was too late. My right leg collapsed under me. Somehow, I managed to pull myself off the treadmill so I didn't suffer the embarrassment of flying off the end. Maria reached up and pressed the off button. She then helped me over to one of the few chairs.

"Let me see it," Maria demanded, she knew that I wouldn't take kindly to her pulling off the bandages. I conceded. Pulling off the brace, then the gauze that cushioned the wound. Maria gasped when I pulled it off. The are around the wound was red and puffy, the stiches had come out and the would was starting to leak out blood.

"I thought you said it was a flesh wound," Maria said gently poking at the red area. I closed my eyes, the pain making me see red.

"It is a flesh wound," I told her, she looked at me like I was crazy. "It went through my flesh."

"You know that's not what they mean when they say flesh wound. May, I'm pretty sure this cut through part of your muscle. It's a miracle you didn't fall sooner. Actually, it's a miracle that you could stand."

"Pain is temporary," I said quietly, Maria looked at me and I could pretty much feel the pity in her gaze. That was something I never wanted, pity. People could keep it to themselves, I didn't want their pity I was stronger than that. I didn't need anyone's pity, ever...


	3. I'm a monster

After Maria took me to the infirmary and had my wound redressed, she then took me home. I had argued, saying my car was still in the gym parking lot. Maria had rolled her eyes and said "I'm sure you could convince Coulson to go out and get it for you."

I stood outside the front door, the lights were on so Andrew was still up, this wasn't going to be pretty. Sighing, I crutched through the door- the hospital gave her a pair so she could allow her leg to heal. Andrew had me in a hug seconds after I had walked through the door. I allowed him to hug me for a few minutes, the way he held me so affectionately was horrible. He loved me... Even after everything that I'd done he still loved me... But then again. What had Phil told him?

Andrew was still holding me when my vision went slightly blurry. It was extremely hard to see for a few seconds, my grip on Andrew tightening so I wouldn't fall over. Then, my vision cleared and standing in our living room was Katya. She was covered in blood and her hand was outstretched... Reaching for me. I screamed and fell to the ground. No, this couldn't be happening... She was supposed to be dead. She was dead. I had killed her.

I had killed her.

"Melinda! Melinda are you okay?" Andrew was beside me. His hand on my shoulder. I was sobbing, I felt so weak, so powerless. I hated it.

"Melinda," He said again, his eyes full of worry. He was so wonderful, he loved me, he cared if I was hurt. I stopped screaming and continued to stare into Andrew's eyes. I thought I saw a sliver of fear in his eyes. Not sure what to make of that I closed my eyes and hugged Andrew.

"You're okay, you're home, you're okay," He told me rubbing my back. Eventually Andrew carried me to the bed, leaving the crutches on the floor where I had dropped them. I lay in bed, not asleep staring at the ceiling. Katya had vanished- I knew she was only a figment of my imagination- but she had seemed so real when at the time it was hard to tell.

I lay awake in bed, I didn't want to fall asleep. I would see her again, I would be forced to kill her again. I didn't want that. Around two Andrew finally fell asleep. Slowly, I dragged myself out of bed, limped to the kitchen and made myself a cup of tea. I didn't wait for it to cool before I took a large drink. The scalding tea burned the back of my mouth, I didn't care. It was just pain. Pain was temporary, it would fade over time. I closed my eyes, I opened them as soon I as saw the face of Katya. The girl was haunting, she wouldn't let me forget anything.

I didn't sleep at all the first night. I was too afraid to sleep. I wouldn't allow myself that luxury- not that it would be a luxury if I saw Katya's face. In the morning Andrew analyzed my actions, telling me it was survivor's guilt. I didn't tell him that I wasn't guilty, I had killed the girl to save everyone else. I wasn't guilty. That wasn't it, I felt like a monster. Just knowing that I had killed a little girl with her whole life in front of me made me angry... Angry with myself.

Around noon- I had been given two days off- Phil came over. I was in the living room curled up on the couch. Andrew had locked the door behind him, so when Phil knocked on the door I had gotten up to answer it. I was dressed in a bathrobe with sweat pants and a tank top. I didn't bother putting on a bra or doing my hair. There wasn't a point. Phil had seen me in worse shape so he didn't mind but he seemed to notice that the door was locked.

"So, how are you doing?" He asked. I shrugged and offered him some tea. Under other circumstances I'm sue he would have refused. But instead he smiled and took a mug. I drained my cup quickly not so much as wincing at the searing pain in the back of my throat.

"Have you eaten anything? I know I was famished after the mission yesterday. They didn't exactly serve a midflight meal," I could tell Phil was trying to lighten the mood, make me smile. But I didn't feel like smiling. Instead I had a blank face.

"I'll take that as a no," Phil said. Blowing on his tea before taking a small sip. "I don't understand how you drink it so fast. Anyway, I just was in the neighborhood so I figured I would stop by. Will I be seeing you on the Cairo trip tomorrow?"

"Umm, no," I said carefully. Just now realizing that I would eventually have to go back in the field. I didn't want to do that again. That would be too painful But I didn't want a break, I didn't want to stop. "My leg is pretty banged up." I told Phil.

It was true that my leg needed time to recover, but I normally would have pushed through the pain. I would have demanded to be assigned a mission, I wasn't one to sit by and wait for something to heal. I could push through the pain.

"Oh, that's too bad. I like you having my back when we're out there. It's so much better than trusting Hand. She can barely tell the safety from the release," Phil said and I almost smiled. I too had my doubts about the woman. She had transferred from administration nearly two months ago. I was never sure whether it was her pink streaks or her bright make up that made me trust her less. Phil left soon after this observation. I was left standing alone in the kitchen wondering what to think. What to do...

* * *

It had been a week since Bahrain. I had barely slept, but at least being awake had gotten easier. It wasn't that I didn't think about what had happened in Bahrain it was that it had become almost a dull ache behind my eyes. Andrew was upset with me because I wouldn't talk with him. At first he had been patient, the first two days he could understand. But now he was annoyed. He wanted to know what was happening. At least tomorrow I would get to go to the gym, assuming I got my brace off. But, there was no way I was letting them keep it on me.

"Melinda, I'm home," I heard Andrew announce as he walked into the house. When he walked into the kitchen he seemed surprised to see me up, showered, dressed appropriately, and messing around on my laptop. "You're dressed. So, does this mean that you are going to talk?"

"One step at a time," i said simply. I still didn't really want to talk about Bahrain. Scratch that, I REALLY didn't want to talk about anything to do with Bahrain.

"Please, Melinda, tell me something," Andrew begged. His eyes beseeching me to tell the truth.

"We went on a mission and things went bad," I said simply not moving my eyes from the email I was "reading".

"Damn it, Melinda. You've been on horrible missions. You've been tortured, you've nearly drowned, and you've had to shoot several of your own agents when the job called for it. But a mission that went _bad_ had you out of commission on the couch for nearly a week," Andrew yelled. He was paid to analyze people, he was taught to take a series of events. He was going to get the bottom of my actions. "Before you left we were planning a family, but now you barely let me touch you. Not to mention, I checked your web history, you deleted all of the bookmarks you had on baby websites."

"Phil told me that a girl died in front of you," Andrew continued. "But that would only make you feel like you couldn't protect a child not like you didn't deserve to have one... Melinda tell me... What happened with that little girl? What happened with Katya?"

At the little girl's name I winced. How did Andrew know that name? He probably had looked through the mission report to see if he could figure anything out.

"No," I tell him quietly.

"Why?" He asks.

"Because it doesn't matter. It's over now." I told him.

"Yes it does. It obviously matters Melinda," Andrew yelled. "You don't leave the house. There are whispers of the name the calvary when I walk through the base and I happen to know they're not talking about me. Tell me what is going on."

Andrew had been yelling. He didn't mean to, but he was frustrated. He deserved to know.

"Fine, I'll tell you," I agree quietly. "but you're going to hate me."

"I could never hate you," Andrew said, the way he said it so carefully I almost believed him.

"You know how I went in. I took out all of the men. I've done that thousands of times, it was nothing. When I found the powerful woman she told me she liked their pain. She wanted mine. She attacked me," I was speaking with an even tone. Even I was surprised that I was so calm. "I fought her without too much problem. I got shot in the leg. But I did manage to take out the woman. Everything would have been fine. But then Katya came out.

"She apparently had the same powers as her mother. She was going to kill all of our men. She was trying to kill everyone in that building. So, I made the choice I had to. I took Katya out. She would have killed everyone in that building. She would have killed more people leaving the building. She wasn't in control... She didn't understand... But I had to take her out, because that was my job. So, when I found a gun I shot her..." I didn't elaborate I didn't bother. I had been through that day millions of times in my head over the past week. Every waking moment had been spent trying to figure out how I could have prevented killing Katya.

"You killed a little girl?" Andrew asked. I nodded, he didn't look at me. He just was quiet. "Who else knows?"

"No one, everyone thinks she got caught in the crossfire," I said.

"Ummm... Melinda," He began. "I don't know what to do, I'm going to sleep on the couch if you don't mind."

"Don't bother," I told him. I needed to do something. I needed to kick some ass. I grabbed my work bag, which I had repacked today, and walked out the front door. Grabbing my keys on the way out.

When I stormed out I had no clue where I was going. But I drove to the SHIELD headquarters. I needed a mission, so I walked to the control room and got one of the computer geeks to give me a file. Then I headed to a jet, I sat down in the pilot seat and put on my aviators. Mid flight it finally got to me. I had told Andrew my nightmare and he had showed me that my fears were true... I was a monster.


	4. The Causatum

"What do you mean you gave Agent May a file on an active case?" Director Fury yelled at one of the computer specialists. "You idiot. She's flagged for medical leave. Not to mention she's not allowed to go on a mission until she has undergone a complete psychological exam."

"What Director Fury is trying to say is; What mission file did you give Agent May?" Maria Hill asked the quaking computer specialist.

"I gave her the case file for Project Enlightenment. She's marked as a Danger Level 12 I figured she could handle a 13 fairly well," The computer specialist said. If he had looked nervous when Director Fury had been yelling at him it was nothing compared to the look on his face when Commander Hill began to scream at him about how the Danger Levels are there for a reason and how he could have cost an agent her life.

"We need to call in the Hawk and Widow," Hill told Fury as the two of them stood in the now empty office. "They're the only ones who might be able to even get into the facility."

"I agree," Director Fury sighed. One of his best agents might have just gotten herself into deep trouble. He had no clue how he was supposed to help her.

"Sir, I'm going to speak with Dr. Garner about what might have prompted May to leave on a mission," Commander Hill told her boss.

Ten minutes later, Maria Hill was halfway across the SHIELD base, standing in the psychology wing of the medical facility. She stood, her arms crossed waiting for her best friend's husband to arrive.

"Commander Hill?" Andrew asked as he walked out of a patient room. "I was told there was a scary SHIELD lady who needed to talk with me. Am I to assume you are the scary SHIELD lady?"

"Yeah, actually, I kind of like that. But, I'm actually here on business," Maria began to speak to the shrink. "May, she took a mission this morning. She left on one of the Quinjets. It's possible we won't be able to extract her from the mission. I just wanted to know what you said that made her want to punch someone in the face."

"May went on a mission?" Andrew asked, his face paling significantly. "Why would she do that? Oh my God, we got into an argument last night. I slept on the couch."

"You mean you didn't notice at all when you woke up this morning and your wife was gone?" Maria asked him, she was growing frustrated with the shrink.

"I noticed, but when she grabbed her bag last night, I just assumed she was leaving to sleep at a hotel or something. I didn't think she even wanted to go on a mission," Andrew argued. Sounding like he was trying to convince himself more that Hill.

"Well, she did. And it's a dangerous mission. So, you better pray to God she's alright because if she's not alright I'm going to destroy you," Maria threatened as she walked out of the hospital towards her jeep.

* * *

I navigated the plane through the air nearing the compound I was supposed to infiltrate. As I neared the compound, I found myself staring at the gun I had brought with me. I didn't want to use the gun. Guns made fights unfair. A fight should only be determined by the moves and capabilities of two people. Not how well they can aim a piece of metal and pull a trigger. Not to mention, lately even just picking up a gun made me see images of Katya flash through my head. There was no way to avoid these horrible memories.

I needed to do something, to hit something. I checked the projected ETA, thirty seconds. Quickly, I grabbed a parachute and opened the quinjet's back. As soon as my timer hit zero, I had pressed the hover button so the quinjet would stay in place until I signaled for it. Taking three steps I launched myself into the air and out of the plane. I angled my body so I was headed directly for the roof of the facility. When I reached the appropriate height, I pulled my chute and felt the familiar tug as it opened and caught air.

Continuing my decent towards the roof I began to scan for an access point. I saw a vent lid, I was in luck. I landed and began to make my way to the vent opening. Once inside the vent, I was able to crawl fairly well. The vent wasn't large, but I've always been a somewhat small person so I was fine. As I made my way silently through the ventilation system I heard voices coming one of the grates. Moving to see who it was, I smelled the scent of tobacco and booze. While my Russian pronunciation was somewhat limited, I could understand and follow the conversation of the men. There were three of them, from what I heard they were security guards. Apparently, not very good guards if they were smoking and drinking on the job. Someone really needed to work on their employee decisions, but their doped state was only to my benefit, so I wasn't about to leave a note.

Quickly, so the guards would have little time to react I shoved open the gate and slid into the room. The guards were startled and reached for their guns. But in their drunken state I was five steps ahead of them. I had two knocked out and on the ground before the third one had even removed the safety. I went to kick the third one in the head and that was when it all started. Suddenly, I wasn't in a Russian stronghold, I was in Bahrain. I was fighting the militia members trying to solve the problem. I knocked the man out and the sat down on the ground, my head in my hands. I couldn't do this. Why did I think I could? Did I really think that knocking out some Russians and taking down one terrorist cell would make up for killing a child? I had red in my ledger, I needed to find some way to wipe it out.

While images of the Bahraini thugs danced behind my eyes, I used the guards shoe laces to tie all of their ands together. After I had tied them and gagged them I disabled the security cameras and alarms using the key cards the guards had on them. Then, I made my way out of the security room and into the major part of the stronghold.

* * *

" Agent Romanoff, you and Agent Barton are needed back at base," Director Fury informed the red-headed, Russian assassin over the phone.

"Sir, all due respect but Clint and I are in the middle of a mission. It's not like we can just leave," She replied, Fury could tell she was in the middle of a fight. Her voice breathy and spacing random. Not to mention he could hear what sounded like bones cracking.

"Agent Romanoff, this isn't a request. This is an order we need the two of you immediately," Fury demanded, he knew that if May was as messed up as Coulson and Hill had told him she wasn't going to even worse after this mission.

"Negative sir, we haven't neutralized the situation yet we can't leave yet."

"Natasha, May needs your help," Fury said, trying to convey with his tone of voice how much May needed her two friends.

"We'll be there in thirty minutes," Romanoff's voice said over the phone before the line went dead. Fury breathed a sigh of relief, May would have back up soon. He hoped she didn't need it too badly.

* * *

I left the security center and began to make my way towards the server room. All I had to do was get to the server room, destroy every inch of intel they had then get out. It was a simple mission. I would probably guess it was around a Danger Level 8. There didn't seem to be any guards other than the ones I had knocked out.

I made my way down the hallway, sticking to the walls as I approached the server room. I was ten feet from the door when I saw the man turn the corner. He was dressed in a suit, but since it was Russia I was willing to bet he had a gun on him somewhere. My theory was proved right when he pulled a gun from the back of his pants.

Yelling in Russian he told me to put my hands about my head and face the wall. I had a split second to decide what to do, I decided to take the man out.

"I'm sorry, I don't speak Russian. I'm from America," I began to speak talking loud and slow like any idiotic tourist would do. I walked towards the man pretending to be confused. "I was just looking for my bathroom. Well, actually the real reason I'm here is for the heating. But don't tell my husband, he's always telling me to pack for the extremes."

Once I got close enough to the man I grabbed his head and smashed it into my knee. His gun went off, shooting into the ceiling as I knocked him out.

"Shit," I cursed, picking up the gun. Visions of Bahraini thugs played behind my eyes but I pushed those aside, I needed to focus if I was going to get out of here. I released the safety on the gun and got ready to fire when the other men arrived. I knew they had to have heard the gunshot. I readied myself. I heard footsteps, from what I could hear it sounded like there were four men, possibly five. I was shocked when nearly twenty men rounded the corner.

Sighing, I fired one shot. For my one shot, one man fell. But I didn't see a man falling, I saw Katya. I saw her small eyes widen and one of her hands drift to her chest. I dropped the gun screaming. I shut my eyes, tight, trying to get the images of Katya out of my head. I needed to stop seeing her. I didn't need the reminder I was a monster, Andrew had confirmed for me that I was a monster.

The men were rushing towards me. I felt one grab my arms, without thinking I curled up so I was sitting on his shoulders. I twisted, snapping his neck. In a daze, I moved amongst the men. I couldn't stop my body. It was moving without me wanting it to. All I could see was the Bahraini compound, Katya, and her followers. I screamed as I watched the little girl fall, bleeding to the ground.

Some time later I realized I wasn't moving anymore, I was curled in the fetal position my head between my knees. I sat up and opened my eyes. As I opened my eyes I screamed, I was surrounded by the broken, mangled bodies of the twenty men who had attacked me. I didn't check, but I could tell that they were all dead. I had done this, I hadn't wanted to, I didn't mean to but I had killed each one of them. I started to cry, I heard footsteps getting closer to me but I didn't even try to stand up.

I heard yelling in Russian, but I didn't even try to translate. I felt my arms be tied behind my back and my legs be tied together. I was then dragged through the building to another room. In that room my hands were strung above my head. I didn't care, I deserved whatever they were going to do to me. After what I did, I deserved it all.


	5. Begging for Death

"Are you an agent of SHIELD?" A man with a heavy accent asked me. I didn't respond, I waited for some kind of pain. I needed some kind of pain, some kind of punishment. I couldn't just stay here and think about all of the horrible things.

"What is your name?" The man asked, he picked up a scalpel from the tray beside him. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain to come. "Who are you working for?" I still didn't respond, the man walked to where I was hanging and made a cut in the middle of my body suit. Ripping the fabric he widened the hole, exposing my stomach.

"I will ask you again, who do you work for?" He asked again, when I still remained silent he touched the scalpel to my skin and made a long deep incision. The incision didn't hurt much to me, I had been through much worse torture before. The pain wasn't very high, but still I felt some of the pressure and stress melt away from my shoulders as I watch the blood run down my stomach.

"Who do you work for?" The man asked, he obviously was new at interrogation, because his tactics were horrible. I remained silent, my eyes trained on the blood on my stomach. I watched as the man made another cut, I felt as my skin was torn apart. I knew any normal person would be screaming in pain, but I was fascinated by it. The pain made my head clear, it pushed Bahrain to the back and let me just be me. Not a monster, not The Calvary, just Melinda May.

* * *

"How the hell did you let this happen?" Clint Barton screamed at the director of SHIELD. Clint stood, brandishing a bow, Fury had chosen to tell Clint while Hill had told Natasha the details of May's situation.

"Что в ад вы были мышление" **(Translation: What the ell were you thinking?)** Natasha Romanoff burst into the Director's office screaming in Russian. She looked furious. "Where the hell is she?"

"Agent May's quinjet is in stealth mode, so we can't track it. But I can tell you that her mission was to infiltrate a Russian terrorist facility," Fury informed the two assassins.

"A Russian terror cell? Okay, if you're going to lie at least be convincing. What the hell is Project Enlightenment?" Natasha demanded, her face was deadly serious. Fury had no doubt that if put in this situation five years ago, she would have snapped his neck without a second thought.

"Agent Romanoff, you are aware that I cannot disclose that information to you. Your job is to find Agent May and bring her back, she is our major priority," Fury ordered. Natasha rolled her eyes but she and Clint walked from the room without another word.

"Sir, do you think it's wise to send them in there with so little information?" Commander Hill asked the director.

"Hill, I don't think sending anyone into that place is a wise decision. No matter how much information they have. When confronting Index candidates the only thing you should trust is that there is nothing you can trust," Fury said, turning to look out of the window onto the lake just outside of the facility.

"Sir, all due respect, that didn't make any sense," Commander Hill told him, before stalking from the room.

* * *

It had been hours since the Russians had started their interrogation, yet I hadn't said a word. I had been cut, waterboarded, and then electrocuted but everything they did pushed Bahrain just a little bit further out of my mind. I was so consumed with pain, images of the Katya weren't surfacing driving me to tears. I needed the pain, it helped me to escape from my own personal Hell.

"Are you affiliated in any way with the Central Intelligence Agency?" The Russian asked, they had gone through every intelligence agency. KGB, MI6, Mossad, I could tell this man was getting tired of asking questions and never getting an answer.

"Enough," A voice yelled from the room behind me. From my position, hanging from the ceiling, I was unable to look to see who it was. Based off the accent the man was Russian. But his pronunciation was much better than the man currently interrogating me. "You're getting nowhere. She hasn't so much as screamed."

The man was coming closer I could hear his steps. I hated the feeling of him walking up from behind me, I wanted to be able to see my opponent. Eventually, the man speaking came into view. He was around 6 feet tall, bald, and looked to be around 35 years old.

"Not that I would expect any less from The Calvary," The man said, my head snapped up from its dangling position. How the hell did he know that name? "You're wondering how I know that name. You're wondering if I know what happened in Bahrain. What you did to that little girl, what was her name?"

"No," I whispered, the pain was gone. My mind was clear.

"Katya, I think," the man continued talking. How did he know this? How the hell did he know this? Only Andrew knew what actually happened.

"No," I said again. My physical pain from the cuts and the electrical burns was gone, in its place was the pain from Bahrain. The images of Katya falling or holding out her hand asking for my pain. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't shake these thoughts.

"You killed a child. She was young, she had a life to live," The man told me, his voice was harsh his eyes digging into my soul. I needed him to stop. He was right, I was a horrible person. He could see me for what I truly was. "Do you know what Katya wanted to be when she grew up? She wanted to be a doctor, she wanted to help people. But she never had a chance, because you pulled that trigger and ended her life.'

"You pulled the trigger that sent one bullet into her chest. It went into her chest and perforated her right lung and then ricocheted into her heart. There it was lodged, every time her heart beat the bullet cut through it more. She died slowly, in pain, every second was horrible for her. Every second she laid in your arms bleeding she wished the pain would go away, she wished that the pain would melt away and that she could just die. Because dying was better than being in that much pain," The man was screaming now. I felt tears streaming down my face. They made my cuts sting as they hit them but that pain wasn't enough. It didn't make the memories go away. I needed to forget. I needed to forget.

"Kill me," I whispered. He stopped yelling and looked at me. "Please, kill me."

"You want me to end your suffering?" The man asked, he smiled and then shook his head. "No, you don't deserve that. You don't get to forget, not after what you did to my daughter. Not after what you did to my little girl. No, you get to live with your pain. I want you to think about it every single day, I want you to think about the thing you did and I want you to hate yourself for it."

The man was crying, why wouldn't he? I had killed his daughter. I had put a piece of metal in her chest.

"You have caused me and my family so much pain," The man told me. "Eva was out of control, I understand her death. But Katya's I will never understand. Do you know what it feels like to lose a child? Do you know what it is like to be told that your tiny bundle of joy died on the floor of warehouse?"

The man walked towards where I was hanging. He stood directly in front of me, looking me dead in the eye.

"Do you know what it feels like to lose someone you love?" He asked me. "It feels like this." The man pulled a knife from his belt and stabbed it into my stomach, then he pulled another one and stabbed me in the chest. Pulling out a final dagger, the man stabbed it into my shoulder. I cried out in pain. But at the same time, I welcomed the pain. It helped me forget.


	6. DNR

Clint and Natasha burst into the facility. As they kicked down the doors, they were rushed at by nearly twenty Russian soldiers. Clint began to fire his and take men down while Natasha worked her way through the crowd twisting and turning in ways that seemed impossible. Soon, the entire crowd of mercenaries had been neutralized. Natasha stood near a door at the end of the hallway.

"Clint, can you give me a hand? The door won't open," Natasha informed her partner. He nodded and motioned for her to move out of the way. Once she was no longer in the way, Clint fire an arrow that hit the door and exploded on impact, knocking the door off its hinges.

"Mel?" Natasha yelled as she walked into the room beyond the, now busted, door. The room was pitch black, groping around on the wall Natasha found a light switch. Flipping the switch revealed a horrendous scene of blood, gore, and bodies. "Oh my God, Mel, what did you do?"

Natasha's question was answered with silence as she and Clint began to make their way around the piles of bodies, overall they estimated there was about twenty five men. Each one was dead, there was no doubt in that. Some had broken necks, others had ripped out throats, and more they knew that May was physically capable of doing this but mentally, there was no way.

They had both been assassins at one point, but May? From Day one she had trained to save people and to protect people. There had only been one moment when she might have possibly been capable of this much carnage. That had been when Fury had ordered her to leave two small children to die in a fire fight. May had fought tooth and nail to get those kids out, then she had tried to resign from SHIELD, that hadn't gone over with Fury well.

"Tasha, what do you think happened?" Clint asked his partner, the red headed turned with a look of mild confusion and horror etched on her face.

"I think something happened in Bahrain, something they're not telling us," Natasha responded. "Also, something here is off. Can you feel it in the air?"

"That thick muggy feeling, like we're breathing in something we're not supposed to?" Clint supplied, and Natasha nodded. "Yeah, I feel that."

"Good, I thought I was the only one," Natasha voiced, reaching into the bag she had by her side she produced two gas masks. "Wanna play it safe?"

"Probably a good idea," Clint noted, grabbing a mask from Natasha.

"Now, let's find Mel," Natasha said, moving from the room of bodies into the rest of the facility.

After about ten more minutes of sweeping and clearing the facility room by room, the duo found May. She was hanging from the ceiling by her arms. Beneath her was a huge pool of blood, and plunged into her body in varying locations were three knives.

"Oh my God," Clint breathed as he saw his friend. Racing over, he and Natasha worked at the arm cuffs to release May. Then, Clint checked for a pulse.

"I have a pulse, it's weak but it's there. We need to get her out of here now," Clint informed Natasha. "She'll die soon if we don't get her to the nearest SHIELD hospital."

Together the two SHIELD operatives moved the injured May to the quinjet they had arrived on, then they began to move as fast as they could to the nearest hospital. They were about two hours away from the hospital when May woke up from her death-like state.

"Clint, Tasha?" She said weakly. "Wh..where am I?"

"We're on our way to a hospital, don't worry Mels. We got you out of there and gave you pain medication. Don't try and move, it's a miracle you're even awake and talking," Clint said softly.

"You should have left me there to die," May said sadly before falling back into her unconscious state. Clint and Natasha made eye contact, they were going to have a very frank conversation with a certain director of SHIELD as soon as they knew their friend was okay.

* * *

Hours later, in the waiting room of Seattle Grace Mercy West Hospital, the waiting room was crowded with concerned one SHIELD agent, one Deputy Director of SHIELD, the actual Director of SHIELD, two ex-assassins, and one shrink. Not to mention, one very upset ex-CIA operative by the name of Lian May on her way from her safe house in Israel.

"I'm looking for the family of a Melinda May," an auburn-haired doctor announced as she entered the waiting room chart in hand.

"That'd be me," Andrew said standing. "I'm Melinda's husband. But you can say it all in front of them. They pretty much extended family of Melinda's."

"Okay, your wife pulled through surgery. She crashed several times on the table but we brought her back each time. She suffered from injuries to her heart and lungs along with damage to her kidneys and appendix. She also lost a significant amount of blood, I suggest if any of you have O- blood to donate to her. On a more personal matter, there was some damage to her uterus and during the surgery ti became clear that we needed to removed her uterus to keep her somewhat stable," Dr. Kepner said all this, reaching to rub Andrew's shoulder reassuringly. Then taking a breath she continued.

"Since she's been on off the table she has crashed twice. We're expecting until she regains all the blood she lost she'll continue to go into V-Fib," Dr. Kepner said, explaining it all slowly and making eye contact with each individual in the room. "Her recovery, once she's stabilized, will be difficult. She has a long road before her."

"She can handle it," Fury spoke up from the couch. "Actually, doctor I have a few more questions for you. Not concerning May, I was wondering if I could ask you them in private."

"Of course, sir," Dr. Kepner nodded, then followed the man. Commander Hill followed shortly after the pair.

* * *

I tossed and turned in her hospital bed, which hurt considering I had a tube down my throat to help me breath. The lung damage was severe and the tube was necessary for me to intake the right amount of oxygen. But, in my sleep my pain wasn't physical, in my mind I was back in Bahrain.

"Everything's going to be okay," I was telling Katya, then the next moment the girl was falling in front of me. The dream around me blurred and I was suddenly no longer in Bahrain. Instead I was in Russia. I was facing what seemed to be a solid wall of soldiers. They weren't challenging me, they just stood there staring at me. Before I could run or even move, the men had fallen to the ground.

Stepping out from behind the men was version of me. The dream me was wearing a leather body suit, the leather suit was white, and covered in blood. She looked at the real me and began to speak.

"Look what you did, May," The fake me said. "Look what you've done to yourself, to these men, to that little girl. You're a monster May."

The dream blurred again, fake me was replaced by Andrew. Andrew shook his head looking at me, then he turned and walked away from me. I could see as he walked away that he was pushing a baby carriage. He had kids without me. A dream that we had always shared until late. _A monster, that's what I am_ , I thought as I watched my husband walk away.

Phil appeared in the dark, in his suit as usual. He smiled at me, he didn't think that I was a monster. Then I remembered, I hadn't told him how the little girl had died. I turned from Phil and began to run from him. I couldn't bare to live a life of lies. Not like that, not a lie that big. I wasn't prepared for that.

Suddenly, the dream melted away and I was awake. I felt something down her throat, I also felt things attached to my chest and something attached to my abdomen. I started to thrash, I wanted it off of her. There was the sound of running footsteps and several people wearing light blue scrubs raced into the room and tried to hold me to the bed the best they could. When I didn't stop moving, they attached restraints to my hands.

The restraints reminded me of the Russian facility. I pulled at them harder. I screamed, but the tube down my throat made that sting painfully. I wouldn't calm down, I needed to escape from this place. I needed to escape.

"Push five milligrams of diazepam," one of the men in blue scrubs yelled. My eyes widened as they pulled out a needle and began to approach me.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" A voice yelled from the doorway. At the door stood a very familiar looking woman. She had flaming red hair and an angry look on her face. "Are you seriously trying to sedate her?"

"Ma'am it's only protocol. She won't calm down, she's a danger to herself and others," The man tried to justify. But Natasha Romanoff held up her hand. She wasn't going to have any of it.

"She's a SHIELD agent, she's just been held captive and tortured for days. When she woke up she was alone and connected to a bunch of machines, I might be a danger to myself and others if that happened to me," Natasha yelled at the man. I relaxed, I knew that I was safe now. I had worked Natasha since she had joined the agency. I trusted the Russian spy with my life.

"See, she's already calmed down. Now get those damn restraints off her," Natasha ordered, and off the restraints went. "Hey, Mels, you really had me and Clint worried."

I tried to reply to Natasha, but I couldn't, not with the tube down my throat.

"Is there any chance we can get the tube out?" Natasha asked the doctor she had just yelled at.

"No, ma'am, I'm afraid that if we removed the tube Ms. May would experience some difficulty breathing which would most likely end in her lungs filling with fluid," The doctor informed the spy.

"Okay, you all can leave now," Natasha told all of them. She walked over to me and sat down in the chair by my bedside. "Hey Mels. I brought a white board so you can write on it if you want something."

Grabbing the small board and the marker I scrawled out three letter, DNR.

"Mels," Natasha warned me with her tone of voice. Erasing the letters I wrote hurriedly _Please_. Natasha sighed, but pulled the nurse aside who nodded sadly. The nurse returned with a clipboard.

"Are you sure?" Natasha asked me as she handed me the clipboard. Without responding in anyway I signed the form on the clipboard. It was better this way, me dying, not being able to hurt anyone else. I wrote on the white board, "M _y ledger is soaked in blood, only way out."_ Natasha read this and looked at me, shaking her head.

"Your ledger is nothing compared to mine," she told me, her eyes pleading with me to change my mind. I grabbed the marker again and wrote. _"In Bahrain. I killed a kid. I shot a little girl"_ as Natasha read it I could see the wheels turn in her head. She was obviously starting to put everything together now.

"Mels," Nat said reaching to touch my shoulder. Suddenly, I couldn't breath. I tried to, but even with the machine's help I felt as though there was something preventing me from actually being able to breath. I heard the heart monitor plummet and I knew what that meant. I closed my eyes as my body was enveloped in pain. But I was fine with that, because when I closed my eyes I no longer saw Katya or the Russians. Now, I was able to just see my eye lids. The pain was taking over, which allowed me to think clearly.

"Mels, please hang in there," Natasha's voice instructed me. "Please, please fight. Melinda, you don't get to go like this."

I felt myself slipping away. I heard the monitor flat line and I sunk into the pure feeling of nothing.

* * *

"Time of death, 13:07," Dr. Kepner pronounced Melinda May's death looking at her watch.

 **AN: Don't worry, it's not the end. Not yet.**


	7. Epilogue

_One week after Melinda May was pronounced dead..._

Director Fury walked into his office to find three of his best agents, each with their most pissed off looking face on. Maria Hill, Natasha Romanoff, and Clint Barton. They all stood waiting for him, their arms crossed and their brows furrowed.

"Well, I can't say that I'm surprised," Director Fury said as he walked in.

"Sir," Romanoff began. "In light of recent events, I feel I can no longer perform my duties to my fullest ability. So, I would like to officially tender my resignation."

"Romanoff," Fury said, an underlying tone of worry in his voice. He had a feeling he knew where this was going.

"Sir," Barton started as well and Fury sat down in his chair, sighing. "With recent events in mind, I have found that I cannot continue to serve my country to the best of my ability. So I, too, would like to tender my resignation."

"Hill, I swear to all things that are holy," Fury said grimacing. "If you tell me that you tender your resignation." But, Maria didn't give him a chance to finish his threat.

"Sir," She had lead with. "Reviewing events of late, I have made several reflections about my own actions and abilities. I don't believe that in light of these events, I can perform my duties without pause. So, I would like to officially tender my resignation effective immediately."

The three agents looked at each other, then moved to leave the office. Fury sighed and then stood up from his chair.

"Hold your asses exactly where they are," Fury ordered and the three stopped. "May died, she died and she can't ever come back. But she shouldn't have wanted the three of you to walk out of here because of her."

"Fury, you don't get it," the fiery haired Russian said in a dangerously quiet voice. "We're not leaving because she died. We're leaving because her death could have been avoided. You should have put notifications all over her profile. That way when she came in asking for a mission they would have said no. I'm not quitting because my best friend is dead, I'm quitting because I don't want to be part of the organization that could have prevented it."

With that the three of them walked out of the doors, Clint put his arms around the two female agent's shoulders as they left. Walking in just as the door closed, was Phil Coulson.

"Sir, you asked to see me," He said as he approached the Director.

"I just would like to hear how your mission is going," Director Fury told the agent.

"Considering it's completely off book I don't think you're actually supposed to call it a mission," Coulson babbled as he pulled out a tablet. "But, since you're director, you get to call it whatever you would like."

"Coulson, just give me a god damn mission report," Fury demanded.

"Sir, the drug appears to be working well," Coulson reported. "We're not seeing as many of the usual side-effects. The tissue isn't damaged at all. This is actually the best run we've had."

"That's good, have you decided when to go back to for the memory part of it all?" Fury asked. "You'll have to be extremely careful, if you want this to work."

"I'm aware, sir," Coulson told him. "I've decided that in order to be convincing we should go back to about a month ago, right before it all started."

Fury took the tablet from the agent's hands and peered onto the screen. On the screen was the video feed of what appeared to be a hospital room. In the bed lay an unconscious Melinda May.

"I know that not erasing all of it can lead to some detrimental effects," Fury said. "But, I need to be sure that I have the Calvary back. The world is too dangerous of a place for her to be gone."

"Sir, I would just like to say, I didn't give May the GH 325 drug because she's The Calvary," Coulson said. "I have it to her because she's my best friend. I can't go one without her at my side."

"I understand that, Coulson," Fury said, then glanced down at the tablet. "But we both know that if she wasn't The Calvary, she would still be laying in a steel lined box, six feet underground."

As he said that, the heart monitor by May's side increased slightly. She stirred slightly, then suddenly, her eyes shot wide open. She looked around her, and then screamed. Her scream wasn't too loud, but the way her voice shook and cracked it was the most heartbreaking scream Director Fury had ever heard.

 **AN: So, that's the end of this story. But there will be a sequel coming soon. I hope you enjoyed.**


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